Apology vs Accountability
By Jasmin Portaz, M.A., LPC, ATR-P
January 31, 2026
Why “I’m Sorry” doesn’t equal healing.
When we feel harmed, it is not wrong, self-important, or unrealistic to want, or even expect, an apology. Why is it then that hearing the words “I’m sorry” may not leave us feeling satisfied or healed? Unfortunately, while they are powerful, beautiful, and important, words alone don’t heal us. And while we will likely never forget the hurtful words that have been said to us, the wrongs that have been committed, or the feelings we have towards people and experiences, with accountability and change, we may find the opportunity to heal, grow, and trust ourselves and others again.
THE POWER OF WORDS
As children, one of our great comebacks was “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” While meant to let bullies know that their taunting, teasing, and abusive words hold no power and will roll off our backs like water off a duck’s feathers, in the end, it was a lie. The truth is, many of us still remember those words years, even decades, later. They haunt us, creating self-doubt, feeding into our deepest fears of inadequacy, echoing in our ears, our minds, and hearts during our darkest moments. These words hurt. They leave invisible scars. And many of us spend a lifetime just trying not to believe them.
On the other hand, words of love, adoration, and admiration can also take up residence in our brains and leave an impression on our hearts. Those who become professional artists, actors, or athletes typically do so because someone told them they were good enough to succeed. Those who walk the earth with (healthy) confidence, pride, and coolness likely do so because they were believed in, told that they were special, that they were loved. We tell those around us that we love them, not because the words themselves are enough, but because we feel the need to express those feelings in every way possible, words just being one of them. Words have the power to make people fall in love, end relationships, broker peace, make us question our life’s choices, and even start wars. But words alone are not enough. Words must be paired with action, must not be taken lightly, must be intentional and understood by both those speaking and those receiving.
THE NEED FOR ACCOUNTABILITY AND CHANGE
While the words “I’m sorry,” “Forgive me,” or even “I was wrong” can be very important, they do not erase or diminish the feelings of the person receiving the apology. They do not expunge the details or the history of the harm inflicted, which led to the need for the apology. Often, we are met with, “I apologized, what more do you want from me?” Or perhaps a little gaslighting, “You know I was only joking, don’t be so sensitive.” Or at worst, no communication, just the expectation of moving on. We can move on, we can even forgive, but we do not forget and we may not heal.
Accountability is far more than just saying “I’m sorry.” To be truly accountable, one must admit that they were wrong, not point fingers back or place blame on the other person, and, most importantly, make honest efforts to change their behavior in the future.
Repair takes work. After we apologize, we must listen, allowing the other to speak their truth and air their grievances. It does not matter if we do not agree with their version of events. Their experience is unequivocally true to them as is your experience to you.
There are three sides to every story: your side, their side, and the truth. Becoming defensive, making excuses, or putting the blame back on them does not make space for repair. Once we’ve listened, we take action. This is where the real healing is done. When the offended person sees you making an effort to not repeat the behaviors that have previously harmed them, they can begin to truly trust and let go of some of that hurt. This is not a quick fix. It’s long, difficult work. But it’s worth it. It tells the person, I see you, I hear you, I respect you, and I value this relationship enough to make changes. The possibilities for what comes from this restoration are endless.
HOW THERAPY CAN HELP
How do we know if what we’re expecting is reasonable? How do we know if we’re overreacting, holding on to the wrong thing, or placing the blame on the wrong person? How do we know if it’s time to forgive, how to responsibly and effectively express how we feel, and when to step back? It can be extremely helpful to have a second set of eyes or ears to bounce thoughts off of and to gain perspective from. Oftentimes we lean on those around us, family or friends, to be our support or voice of reason. This can be problematic for a couple of reasons.
First, these people are not objective, how could they be? They come in with their own emotional baggage and feelings about you and the situation. While therapists do have their own thoughts, emotions, and even baggage, they are trained to set these aside and look at the situation through an objective lens. Plus, they don’t have any relationship with the people with whom you are interacting and therefore are not influenced by their own association with them. Second, our friends and family are not trained to support people in these situations. They do not have the resources and education your therapist has. While they can and should support us, they should not be the be-all, end-all source of support.
Additionally, your therapist can help you craft language that may be better received by the other person. They can teach us how to better control our emotions in moments of great frustration, leading to greater opportunities to be heard. They can give you space to fully express your thoughts and feelings without fear of repercussion, being gaslit, or feeling misunderstood. And while they don’t have the power to heal your situation, they do have the tools to help you learn to heal yourself.
Warmly,
HELPFUL LINKS
Emerge Psychology Group
Dr. Becky Kennedy - TED Talk - The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy
The Gottman Institute - The Art of the Mindful Apology Why Sorry is Not Enough
Psych Central - How Not to Say I'm Sorry
Psychology Today - No More Fake Repairs
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - Call or text 988
Crisis Text Line - text HOME to 741741
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, always seek professional help immediately. Please call 911 or the suicide prevention lifeline at 988 or go to your nearest emergency room for immediate care.
DISCLAIMER
The content of these webpages and blogs and information provided is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Seek professional help immediately if you are experiencing a mental health crisis or any other medical condition.