The Illusion of Control
By Jasmin Portaz, M.A., LPC, ATR-P
December 31, 2025
How to focus on what we can control and let go of what we can’t.
One of the most common challenges that human beings face is lack of control. More specifically, the struggle lies with frustrations over the myriad things we want to control and believe we should be able to control, and the inability to let go when things ultimately end in a way we didn’t want or intend. Though many of the frustrations we face due to circumstances outside of our control are obvious and even expected, such as the weather, the hour in which the sun rises and sets, or the fact that no matter how hard they try, turkey bacon will never in fact taste like real bacon, we may still find ourselves angry, frustrated, or unsatisfied with the occurrences. However, when it comes to the things we think we should be able to control, such as outcomes of our interactions with others, our weight gain or loss, even our thoughts and our emotions, we can find ourselves getting overly worked up, taking our frustrations out on the wrong people or situations, even causing serious issues to our physical and/or mental health. Without the proper tools or training, it is not always easy to take a step back, take a deep breath, and focus on how to get out of this emotional kerfuffle. But, when we do, when we can begin to have a different, healthier relationship with control, we may find that when we change our relationship with our ideas around control, we find a lot more peace, happiness, and mental ease.
THE IMPACT OF TRYING TO CONTROL WHAT WE CAN’T
When we try to control situations, people, or outcomes, we set ourselves up for emotional letdown. This can be detrimental to our emotional and physical health in a variety of ways. Often, our struggle with control can lead to feelings of anger. This anger frequently has nowhere safe to go, so we unleash it on others unfortunate enough to come into our proximity when activated. This can be friends, family, partners, or even the unlucky retail worker or server who happens to get in our line of fire. This can cause fractures in our relationships, people to isolate from us, even physical altercations. It’s important to note that while we may not see the effect of our negative behavior in real time, the ripple effect such behavior can be significant and damaging.
Additionally, difficulties with ideas around control have been known to lead to harmful behaviors such as micromanaging, engaging in self-harm, substance abuse, isolation, and compulsive behaviors. These can have devastating effects on our physical health, our relationships, and our mental health. Holding on and focusing on what we cannot control has no positive outcome.
HOW TO CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH CONTROL
While it may seem like a strange idea, we do not have full control over our thoughts. At times, this may feel scary. If we can’t control our own thoughts, how do we stop ourselves from spiraling into a tunnel of intrusive thoughts? While we may not be able to control all of our thoughts, what we can control is how we interact with them. This can be vital to our mental health. Understanding how to interact with these thoughts can put power back into our hands and is one key component of the work done with your therapist. Though it may seem like a simple idea, it can be incredibly hard to understand how to transform our relationship with “control” without proper support.
One useful way to better understand control and how not to let it negatively impact your life is to focus on what you can control. One way to do this is to get a piece of paper and a pen, trace your hand on the paper, on the inside of your hand write down all the things you can control, on the outside write down all the things you can’t control. This can be implemented when focusing on any difficult aspect of, or situation in, your life. For example, while driving down the street, you cannot control other drivers, the road conditions, traffic lights, or traffic. But you can control what music or podcast you’re listening to, if/how you follow driving laws, if you wear your seatbelt, or how fast/slow you drive. When we focus on what you can control, you can begin to feel more in control in general and, hopefully, let go of some of the negative feelings around lack of control.
Finally, while we can’t control other people, what we can control is how we respond to them. When someone comes at us with anger and aggression, we have the option to respond with calm, with kindness, or not respond at all, even when our default may be to respond with anger. Ultimately, the choice is ours and with training and support, we can become more confident and controlled in our response to that which is uncontrollable. When someone continuously makes us feel bad about ourselves, we have the ability to let them know how their behavior makes us feel, tell them how we’d like to be treated, or tell them that we will no longer allow them to treat us this way and choose to remove ourselves from their company or that relationship entirely. Of course, there are exceptions to this situation, but even in those, even when you cannot get someone to treat you with respect, you cannot excuse yourself from the situation, or it is not safe
for you to state your feelings, there are still aspects of the situation that you can control. For those instances, we should definitely be seeking counsel from our therapist.
HOW THERAPY CAN HELP
As stated previously, therapists are trained to understand how to explain to clients their relationship with their own thoughts and natural reactions, and how to interact with them more positively. In the beginning, your therapist may be your voice of reason, narrating positive thoughts, or walking you step-by-step on how to implement these tools and ways of thinking. Therapy is practice for real life. So, while you’re roleplaying or talking through different scenarios, you are in fact learning how to implement these practices in your everyday life. Therapists can help give you greater control over your response to things that are, indeed, out of your control.
Warmly,
HELPFUL LINKS
Emerge Psychology Group
Mental Health America - I Can't Stop Wanting Control
Positive Psychology - Understanding the Circles of Control, Influence, & Concern
PsychCentral - 5 Tips to Cope with Things You Can't Control
Psychology Today - The Problem with Control
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - Call or text 988
Crisis Text Line - text HOME to 741741
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, always seek professional help immediately. Please call 911 or the suicide prevention lifeline at 988 or go to your nearest emergency room for immediate care.
DISCLAIMER
The content of these webpages and blogs and information provided is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Seek professional help immediately if you are experiencing a mental health crisis or any other medical condition.