Anticipatory Grief
By Jasmin Portaz, M.A., LPC, ATR-P
December 15, 2025
The pain, the beauty, and perhaps the gift we didn’t expect.
There is quite literally only one guarantee in life: death. As morbid and uncomfortable as this reality may be, it is a universal fact. Why then, has the subject of death become something so awkward to discuss, almost taboo? You are allowed to mourn, of course, just not too loud or for too long. People don’t bring up the name of the deceased out of fear of upsetting the bereaved, or, even worse, finding themselves stuck in a conversation they don’t know how to engage in or gracefully exit. When someone dies, or is dying, we offer a simple, “I’m so sorry,” as if that is all the comfort we can spare. When we hear that someone is dying, we don’t know how to respond, we don’t know how to be helpful, we don’t know how to process our own feelings. But we can and should learn how. We can learn to better deal with this inevitable reality, for others, and for ourselves.
THE IMPORTANCE OF GRIEF
Losing someone you care about is painful, be it a family member, lover, friend, pet, or even a celebrity. It can conjure feelings of deep sadness, regret, anger, loneliness, and a plethora of other emotions that may be too difficult to name or even identify. However, those feelings need to be felt in order to properly heal. Death is not something we eventually just “get over.” It stays with us, lives in our hearts, our minds, even our homes. Our grief becomes part of our relationship with those we mourn, and the feelings of grief can even replace certain aspects of the
relationship. Grief may even feel like all we have left to hold on to. The importance of grief isn’t about moving on; it’s about processing and healing with and through our feelings. It’s a recognition of, even a conversation with our feelings, validating them, and finding a way to live in harmony with them. There is no simple or straight path. This experience and process is deeply personal and unique to each individual and each case of mourning. But there is power, perhaps even beauty in our grief, and when we give ourselves space and time to heal, we may find that our pain has purpose, and so do we.
THE GRIEF BEFORE THE GRIEF
While nearly everyone has an experience, if not multiple experiences, with grief in their lifetime, some will experience the unique struggle of working through anticipatory grief. Anticipatory grief occurs when we know that someone is nearing the end of their life. Sometimes there is a clear timeline, often it is just a waiting game. There is no set guidebook for how to deal with this complex situation. But many will find that a certain type of grief begins here, one that is multi-layered and filled with rolling waves of emotion while you’re still able to make memories with the individual. In these situations, we may find ourselves counting down the days until we’re hit with full-fledge grief. Or simply waiting for the unimaginable, inescapable pain of what we know lies ahead. During this time, we may go through a different process of grief. We may be confronted with feelings of guilt for wanting or not wanting to spend time with the dying person. We may feel guilt around moments of joy, engaging in self-care, or wanting to disassociate from our feelings. We may find ourselves going through some, all, even none of the stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We may find ourselves trying to emotionally prepare for what’s ahead, while feeling completely unprepared to do so.
THE GIFT OF ANTICIPATORY GRIEF
While it may seem like living in a state anticipatory grief is nothing but a curse, unfair, and undesirable, it can actually be an advantage in your healing journey. In many cases, death comes as a surprise, we feel caught off guard and ill-prepared to deal with both the emotional and logistical toll of loss. While we know death is inevitable, we do not, and should not, spend our time prepping for something that we hope won’t happen until years down the road. Even when people or pets enter their senior years, we often hope and even pray that the end will not come, that we get just a little more time, that the unavoidable will somehow elude us. But it does come, and being unprepared is not a gift you give yourself.
When we know someone’s life is nearing the end, we are given opportunities for healing, closure, and preparation that are often exceptionally difficult to deal with post-loss. From an emotional standpoint, having the opportunity to say goodbye, make amends, or ask any final questions can save us from a future burdened with regrets, what-ifs, and unresolved issues. Unsaid words can haunt us, “would haves” and “should haves” can keep us up at night, and having the space to unburden ourselves can be exceptionally healing and better prepare us for the grief ahead. Additionally, this time can be used to prepare for the logistical side of end-of-life. Funeral preparations, estate planning, even drafting how and with whom you want to share the news, all can be handled before the passing, leaving you with time and space to grieve without stress of annoying paperwork. Anything you can take off the plate of a grieving person is a gift.
HOW THERAPY CAN HELP
While grief is particularly personal, introspective, and even private, it is not something you need to, or even should, go through alone. Hopefully we have family or friends to lean on during this time, but many of those people may be working through their own grief or simply not have the wherewithal, bandwidth, or tools to support you in your time of need. The right therapist can be a comfort, a non-judgmental confidant, a safe space for you to cry, mourn, or even scream. While friends and family may struggle to sit in the discomfort of grief, therapists are trained to hold that space, sit in it with you, and understand that grief has no set timeline. They can offer tools, literature, and a different perspective. Grief is natural, it is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be yours to carry alone.
Warmly,
HELPFUL LINKS
Emerge Psychology Group
American Psychological Association - Grief
Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement - Anticipatory Grief
Cleveland Clinic - Anticipatory Grief
Megan Devine - It's Ok That You're Not Ok
The New York Times - Anticipatory Grief
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - Call or text 988
Crisis Text Line - text HOME to 741741
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, always seek professional help immediately. Please call 911 or the suicide prevention lifeline at 988 or go to your nearest emergency room for immediate care.
DISCLAIMER
The content of these webpages and blogs and information provided is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Seek professional help immediately if you are experiencing a mental health crisis or any other medical condition.