Understanding How Relational Trauma and Attachment Can Disrupt Our Sense of Authenticity
By Sarah Vassileff M.A., LCPC, EMDR Trained Complex Trauma Psychotherapist, Clinical Supervisor
October 15, 2025
How to integrate the two opposing needs of attachment and authenticity.
INTRODUCTION TO ATTACHMENT
Why is attachment important, you may ask? Many of us may have heard about attachment styles; many clinicians will integrate attachment work into clinical practice as attachment is the nexus of fostering, learning, building, and reflecting a felt sense of safety and identity. It’s at the heart of secure attachment that relational wounds can heal. Attachment is a fundamental component of getting our needs met in our developmental years. If we cannot securely attach to our caregivers, we will mirror the attachment that they model, the one that is most familiar to us, as a way to maintain an adaptive relationship and survive. Similarly, the kind of attachment that is modeled to us in childhood is what we tend to reflect outwardly in other relationships and within ourselves. Likely, the parts of us that had to survive in developing attachment to our caregivers are the same parts of us that cannot always evaluate when survival has ceased and safety has begun, causing a continued cycle of fostering maladaptive attachments, and, further, harming the relationship we carry on with ourselves.
Furthermore, it is critical that in the process of building secure attachment with our loved ones throughout childhood, these relationships serve as anchors that help us recognize ourselves and develop our sense of Self. It is through our early relationships that we learn how to meet our needs, the importance of our needs, learn how to advocate for ourselves, and inherently know our self-worth, and feel ourselves. Throughout the context of survival, authenticity is a luxury while attachment is a necessity. In moments of survival, the two cannot co-exist.
THE IMPORTANCE OF AUTHENTICITY
Should we get raised with an adequate amount of secure attachment (i.e., consistency, predictability, reliable connection where communication is freely given and received, clear, and direct), there is a greater ability to feel safe within our relationships, safety within ourselves, and, hence, reach ourselves. When we do not feel relationally safe, it is unlikely that we will be vulnerable and take up space as ourselves. And so, it can be said that secure attachment begets authenticity and certainly precipitates the foundation of building an intrapersonal relationship with ourselves that allows us to feel safe and achieve self-actualization in the world. It seems that there would be great difficulty in reaching fulfillment without first reaching authenticity. It is through the basis of authenticity that we perceive our wants, our purpose in life, our likes and dislikes, and that, which makes us feel safe versus threatened. However, if there are unmet needs through the presence of disrupted attachments throughout the lifespan, we often continue to move into the same cycles of relational trauma, which further suppresses our ability to be authentic to ourselves, seeking needs that will never be met in the way that they once needed to, and further moving away from the need to reach safety within ourselves. The disruption in attachment by way of instability, relational trauma, and/or developmental trauma, can taint the relationships that we seek with others and the one that we need to build with/within ourselves.
HOW ATTACHMENT CAN NEGATIVELY IMPACT AUTHENTICITY
Simply put, what happens in unsafe relationships, amidst childhood and relational trauma, is that we must adapt to the dynamics of the attachment within that given relationship with the aim of getting our needs met (e.g., food, shelter, water, the belief it is safe to exist). As a result of this, often times, in adulthood, when we find ourselves in relationships that do not make us feel safe that repeat the same abusive structure; we will forego our own needs and sense of authenticity in favor of remaining safe without considering an alternate choice because throughout our prime developmental years, there may not have been an alternate choice. We see this most often in childhood trauma, intimate partner violence, and co-dependent relationships (i.e., anticipating others’ needs while neglecting our own, to remain in the relationship).
Essentially, in the absence of safety, there is a choice that a child (or survivor) must make to move forward by either remaining vulnerable and remaining authentic or suppressing and continuing the attachment in the way that is most functional to survive. And as we know, in the absence of safety, there is no true sense of choice. We ultimately react out of survival. In this context, there may be a need to fawn or freeze to remain alive and get our needs met. These attachment adaptations of childhood and of future instability may remain stored into adulthood, until secure attachment with oneself and/or with others can be achieved. It is tricky to undo this blueprint, because, as children, we need safe and secure relationships modeled to us to develop a preliminary understanding of ourselves. Yet, in adulthood, we need to experience safety within ourselves and understand ourselves to produce safe relationships.
ARE BOTH POSSIBLE?
There is a way for both needs to learn to co-exist. The first step as a survivor of relational and/or developmental trauma is to develop a secure attachment with/within ourselves. This becomes synonymous to being our most authentic selves. Because if we can heal our relationship with ourselves, we can begin to understand who we are, which lives at the nexus of authenticity and seeking secure attachment with others. We must develop a safe relationship with the parts of ourselves that are most familiar with partaking in unsafe relationships with others. In finding these parts, we can model safety within ourselves, but we are also able to discover the parts of us that play a large role in our sense of authenticity. In discovering those parts, we can more accurately assess what we need by way of attachment to further support our ability to exist authentically within ourselves and within the world. In befriending and nurturing all the parts within ourselves, we will most easily be able to take up space as all of ourselves and commit to developing the relationships in our lives that most closely reflect, just that.
HOW CAN THERAPY HELP WITH MOVING TOWARD AUTHENTICITY
Recognizing insecure attachment patterns
Recognizing wants and needs from authentic place
Identity development
Learning how attachment and authenticity can co-exist
Restoring trust in oneself
Kindly,
HELPFUL LINKS
Emerge Psychology Group
Authenticity Can Heal Trauma
Dr. Gabor Mate
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - Call or text 988
Crisis Text Line - text HOME to 741741
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, always seek professional help immediately. Please call 911 or the suicide prevention lifeline at 988 or go to your nearest emergency room for immediate care.
DISCLAIMER
The content of these webpages and blogs and information provided is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Seek professional help immediately if you are experiencing a mental health crisis or any other medical condition.