Utilizing Parts Work to Grieve the End of Romantic Relationships
By Sarah Vassileff M.A., LCPC, EMDR Trained Complex Trauma Psychotherapist, Clinical Supervisor
July 25, 2025
How to begin grieving the end of romantic relationships through understanding the younger parts of ourselves that feel attached to the romantic partners that no longer serve us.
GRIEF AND ATTACHMENT TRAUMA
Grief is a complex process that moves us down the entirety of the emotional spectrum and through an internal experience of catharsis unlike any other. It can be difficult to know where to begin a process of grief and to know the goals of the grieving process. Like healing, the goal to understand who inside of us needs to heal and, likewise, who inside of us may need to grieve. The goal is not to diminish the grief but to increase our capacity to be with it and the part (s) of us that carry it.
The end of relationships can be daunting, especially when so much of our internal and emotional sense of safety is connected to our attachment to others. The end of anything can move us toward questioning ourselves and, often times, can taint the relationship that we have with ourselves. It is crucial to understand the role of our partners in our lives and, more importantly, the role that they seem to play for the wounded parts within ourselves. Too often, we are so willing to hold up a mirror and reflect our partners back to themselves, to move them toward change, to help them understand how we feel, but never has it been possible to make someone change if not for their own willingness. It is at this point that we must understand our role in the vicious feedback loop. In staying in a relationship that disallows us to feel like ourselves, no matter how hard we try, we are only further wounding the parts of us that are looking to find safety in the relationship.
OUR WOUNDED PARTS
This cycle of trying to change somebody often happens as a reenactment of something that is all too familiar of the past such as trying to get a need met, trying to prove ourselves, trying to feel seen and understood, etc., and, hence, attaching to someone as a way to meet these goals without recognizing that the person in front of us will never be the person to meet those needs. When there are parts of us within us that are wounded, they will re-emerge in the relationships that we re-enact to attempt to absolve the past, all while recreating the wounds of the past instead of healing them.
The difficulty in letting go of what does not serve us is that we must come to hold the truth of the trauma of the past that has shaped our internal narrative and our concept of safety, or the lack thereof. Most typically, the parts within us that are invested in continuing an attachment with those that no longer serve us, are the parts of us that are looking to claim something that we had needed in our prime developmental years such as security, consistency, and safety. Younger parts of us will attach to others in the way that they needed to in order to survive in the relationship with our caregivers when we were young. The more that the context of our lives changes, the less these strategies work. And so, what does this all mean?
NURTURING OUR PARTS
What this means is that we must be the safe adult for these younger parts within us. We must stand up for them by breaking the reenactment that we continue to contribute to. We must teach these parts what safety is through exercising our own autonomy and decision making that is conducive to meeting our needs and evolving within our identity. When we can take on the responsibility of nurturing these parts within ourselves, it is only then that we can listen to their stories and help them to grieve the absences and disruptions of the past. Working with these parts and not against them can help move us toward the relationships that best serve us and can help us to experience the safety that we long for.
HOW TO START WORKING WITH PARTS
Creating separation from them (i.e., “this is a part of me emerging” / “this is a part of me that cannot let go”).
Getting curious about how and why parts of us show up in our romantic relationships
Getting curious about what it would mean to cultivate a safe adult within ourselves to better help these parts heal
Getting curious about what a safe relationship feels like
HOW THERAPY CAN HELP WITH GRIEVING THE END OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP
Every individual will experience grief differently and have a different relationship to their grief. Sometimes, we don’t always know how to begin the process of grieving or what this can look like.
Having a relationally safe therapeutic container can help to:
Create a safe space for grief to be explored
Offer guidance and techniques for how to work with the different parts of ourselves that carry such grief
Distress tolerance skills to better connect with, process, and regulate emotions
Address the traumatized and burdened parts of ourselves
Offer support for managing the increased symptoms that may arise in the wake of grief (e.g., depression, anxiety, loss of identity/identity confusion, anger, fear, social isolation, etc.)
Ego State Therapy and Internal Family Systems are two approaches that are often used to explore our internal worlds and themes associated with the grief related to moving forward from relationships that no longer serve us. The integration of these two modalities are often applied to recognize and address the multifaceted nature of PTSD, C-PTSD, attachment trauma, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and stress (Ego State Therapy is preferred to address the internal conflicts that arise in Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) given the structurally dissociated nature of dissociated identities; stay tuned for additional blog posts related to the healing and conflicts that arise in DID).
The more that we can work with our intrapersonal conflicts and involve the parts of us that carry our grief, the more we will be able to surrender to not what we want, but who we are and what best serves us.
Kindly,
HELPFUL LINKS
American Psychological Association
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - Call or text 988
Crisis Text Line - text HOME to 741741
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, always seek professional help immediately. Please call 911 or the suicide prevention lifeline at 988 or go to your nearest emergency room for immediate care.
DISCLAIMER
The content of these webpages and blogs and information provided is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Seek professional help immediately if you are experiencing a mental health crisis or any other medical condition.