Attachment Styles – Anxious Preoccupied Attachment
By Jasmin Portaz, M.A., LPC, ATR
July 31, 2026
Exploring the roots of anxious attachment and building a path to greater security.
We all have a past, a history that helps shape how we see and interact with the world. That history, filled with different people, relationships, and experiences, cannot help but inform how way we form attachments to others. These attachments are primarily shaped by the bonds we form, or don’t form, with our childhood caregivers. Attachment Theory is one of the many psychological theories that has gained wide public popularity in recent years. Though developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s in the 1950s, it really wasn’t until the 2010s that it became more commonplace in conversation due to the release of the book Attached by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A., followed by a social media explosion. Many found comfort in the definitions and categorizations, allowing them to better understand the reasons behind certain feelings, behaviors, and relationship patterns. This can be very useful in attempting to better understand ourselves and working to change behaviors or thought patterns that have not served us. However, without a true, educated understanding on attachment theory, our interpretation of our attachments can actually cause more harm than good.
SUMMARY OF ATTACHMENT STYLES
According to Bowlby and Ainsworth, there are four main attachment styles for adults: anxious preoccupied attachment, dismissive avoidant attachment, fearful-avoidant attachment, and secure attachment. These early relationships (or attachments) are patterns of how emotional bonds are first developed and then continued throughout life. They inform all of our relationships, including romantic, familial, friendships, working relationships, and even therapeutic. The first three attachment styles typically stem from a lack of adult support, fear of abandonment, belief that you cannot rely on anyone else, emotionally distant caregivers, fear of rejection, abuse, inconsistent parenting, overly intrusive parenting, or “emotionally hungry” parenting where caregivers seek to fill their emotional needs through the child rather than filling the child’s needs. Secure attachment typically stems from consistent, supportive caregiving filled with trust, security, honesty, freedom, and feelings of being valued and understood.
However, it is vital that we understand that attachment styles are complex. They are not fixed, not a diagnosis, and not an excuse. All of these ideas are theoretical and may or may not apply to your experience. You may experience some, none, or all of these childhood circumstances and still may have some, none, or all of the difficulties or eases associated with attachment. Finally, we should never attempt to diagnose or make assumptions about someone else’s attachment style or other mental health issues as it can cause great harm, stigma, and mistreatment. All work regarding attachment styles or other mental health concerns should be done with the care and support of a mental health professional.
CAUSES AND IMPLICATIONS OF ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT
“Anxious” or “anxious preoccupied attachment” is likely caused by a feeling of desperation, of a deep, unmet need for connection and trust. Sometimes, this is handed down through anxious parenting, often defined as “helicopter parenting.” Here, a parent or caregiver will unintentionally (typically) teach the child to feel insecure, distrustful, and fearful of others due to their own anxieties and insecurities. These messages are often received both through verbal and nonverbal communications. This attachment style can also be developed due to inconsistent parenting. If a caregiver is emotionally available at times, but dismissive, emotionally unavailable, and cold at other times, a child may become anxious and insecure, never knowing what response they’ll receive. Another type of parenting that leads to anxious attachment is the “emotionally hungry” parent who focuses on their own emotional needs in the relationship. Caregivers are meant to emotionally support children, but with emotionally hungry caregivers, they disregard the child’s emotional and/or physical needs and instead rely on the child to emotionally support and/or fulfill their needs. It is estimated that approximately 20% of people will develop an anxious attachment due to these early childhood/caregiver relationships.
Anxious preoccupied attachment can lead to a multitude of issues in adult relationships, such as:
A fear of abandonment
Low self-esteem and self-worth
Feelings of jealousy
Difficulties being alone
Possessiveness or clinginess
Fears of rejection and abandonment
Constantly questioning if they are loved
Difficulties trusting
Inability to receive criticism
It should also be noted that anxious attachment can be developed in adulthood. If we find ourselves in relationships with people who create or feed into anxiety, it can inform how we attach in those or future relationships, romantic or otherwise. Our attachments can change throughout our lives, so who we form relationships with matters.
HOW TO CHANGE OUR ATTACHMENT STYLE
While it can feel both helpful and terrifying to identify with anxious attachment, it is vital to understand that change is completely possible. When we uncover different diagnoses or personality imperfections, it’s easy to simply throw in the towel, take it as an unchangeable truth, and even use it as an excuse to continue with our destructive behaviors. However, our attachment styles are not set in stone. This is not a catch-all diagnosis; it isn’t a diagnosis at all! It is simply a way of understanding how our past relationships may have informed the way we interact with our adult relationships.
Our history does not define us. It may have shaped us, but we are living, ever-changing, autonomous beings with the ability to learn, grow, and reshape our thoughts and behaviors. We cannot change our past and we cannot change others, but we can change our present, how we interact with others, and the implications on our future relationships.
Finally, if we want to develop secure attachments, we must be understanding, more selective, and open with those we are in relationships with. If you tell someone you feel insecure, unsupported, and uncertain of their love and they use that against you or do nothing to combat their behavior and therefore your feelings, they are not someone with whom you are going to be able to develop a secure attachment. It is not easy to change our attachment style, but it is absolutely possible, especially with the right support.
HOW THERAPY CAN HELP
While there are definitely things we can do on our own to combat behaviors and beliefs associated with anxious attachment, the positive impacts of working on this with your therapist cannot be overstated. Your therapist can help you look at your relationship history - parental, friendships, and romantic - and see where certain behaviors, beliefs, and patterns are causing distress. An outside, professional perspective can help us see things we were unable to see through our own lens, push back on unhelpful or harmful thoughts, and learn new ways to communicate and interact in our relationships. As stated previously, the interpretation of this information has the ability to cause harm without proper guidance and understanding. Your therapist has the proper education to help guide you and better understand your attachment style and what you can do to make impactful, lasting changes. We are not our history, our future is not set in stone, this work is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone.
Warmly,
HELPFUL LINKS
Emerge Psychology Group
Attached - The Book
Attachment Project - Anxious Attachment: Causes & Symptoms
BBC - Why Attachment Theory is Everywhere Right Now and How it Can Help You
Clarity Clinic - How Attachment Styles Impact Your Relationships
Cleveland Clinic - Attachment Styles
Simply Psychology - Anxious Attachment Style: Signs in Adults, How It Develops & How to Cope
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - Call or text 988
Crisis Text Line - text HOME to 741741
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, always seek professional help immediately. Please call 911 or the suicide prevention lifeline at 988 or go to your nearest emergency room for immediate care.
DISCLAIMER
The content of these webpages and blogs and information provided is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Seek professional help immediately if you are experiencing a mental health crisis or any other medical condition.