Attachment Styles – Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
By Jasmin Portaz, M.A., LPC, ATR
August 15, 2026
Understanding the struggle with connection and learning to change it.
We all have a past, a history that helps shape how we see and interact with the world. That history, filled with different people, relationships, and experiences, cannot help but inform the way we form attachments to others. These attachments are primarily shaped by the bonds we form, or don’t form, with our childhood caregivers. Attachment Theory is one of the many psychological theories that has gained wide public popularity in recent years. Though developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s in the 1950s, it really wasn’t until the 2010s that it became more commonplace in conversation due to the release of the book Attached by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A., followed by a social media explosion. Many found comfort in the definitions and categorizations, allowing them to better understand the reasons behind certain feelings, behaviors, and relationship patterns. This can be very useful in attempting to better understand ourselves and working to change behaviors or thought patterns that have not served us. However, without a true, educated understanding on attachment theory, our interpretation of our attachments can actually cause more harm than good.
SUMMERY OF ATTACHMENT STYLES
According to Bowlby and Ainsworth, there are four main attachment styles for adults: anxious preoccupied attachment, dismissive avoidant attachment, fearful-avoidant attachment, and secure attachment. These early relationships (or attachments) are patterns of how emotional bonds are first developed and then continued throughout life. They inform all of our relationships, including romantic, familial, friendships, working relationships, and even therapeutic. The first three attachment styles typically stem from a lack of adult support, fear of abandonment, belief that you cannot rely on anyone else, emotionally distant caregivers, fear of rejection, abuse, inconsistent parenting, overly intrusive parenting, or “emotionally hungry” parenting where caregivers seek to fill their emotional needs through the child rather than filling the child’s needs. Secure attachment typically stems from consistent, supportive caregiving filled with trust, security, honesty, freedom, and feelings of being valued and understood.
However, it is vital that we understand that attachment styles are complex. They are not fixed, not a diagnosis, and not an excuse. All of these ideas are theoretical and may or may not apply to your experience. You may experience some, none, or all of these childhood circumstances and still may have some, none, or all of the difficulties or eases associated with attachment. Finally, we should never attempt to diagnose or make assumptions about someone else’s attachment style or other mental health issues, as it can cause great harm, stigma, and mistreatment. All work regarding attachment styles or other mental health concerns should be done with the care and support of a mental health professional.
AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
Not everyone has the comfort, skill, or desire to be a parent or caregiver. Unfortunately, even those adamantly opposed or even unequipped to having or taking care of children sometimes find themselves in less-than-ideal circumstances for all parties. Sometimes, this sadly leads to caregiving by those who are emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to a child’s needs. Often these are adults who struggled with attachment in their own childhood. Additionally, they may struggle due to lack of commitment to parenting, lack of resources or knowledge, lack of empathy, or simply due to overwhelm by all of the responsibilities associated with caregiving. Adults need their needs met as well, therefore, those who are not getting their needs met may struggle to fill the needs of children in their care. Caregiving is difficult under the best of circumstances with all of the resources. In cases of those without the resources, supports, or skills needed to properly care for a child, it can feel impossible.
There has been extensive research and understanding of the need for close bonds between a child and their caregiver from the time they are born throughout childhood and adolescence. Those who have failed to secure these attachments in their first years have faced a multitude of issues in early development, including struggles with eating, difficulties maintaining eye contact, issues with toilet training, behavioral issues, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and physical health problems. Often, these children learn that their cries will not be answered, therefore they stop asking for others to fill their needs or trust that anyone can or will take care of them. These issues often follow them through adolescence, teens, and adulthood, leading to a likely increase in difficulties in life including greater risk of substance abuse and addiction, promiscuity, homelessness, temper issues, low self-esteem, criminal behavior/trouble with the law, struggles to connect to their own children, and early parenthood.
IMPLICATIONS FOR AVOIDANT RELATIONSHIP STYLE
Those who struggled to attach in early childhood or adolescence may find it challenging to do so in adulthood. It should be noted that there is no guarantee that struggles in childhood will lead to an inability to attach in adulthood, nor does a secure attachment in childhood guarantee easy and secure attachment in adulthood. These are simply possible and more likely factors that contribute to avoidant attachment in adulthood. Further, one may have secure attachments in childhood and still become avoidant in adulthood due to a plethora of other reasons. None of this is certain and nothing is set in stone. For those who do struggle to attach in adulthood, they may exhibit dismissive behavior, lack of trust, defensiveness, withdrawal, negative or skeptical view of others, emotional suppression, and lack of empathy.
Additionally, we may see a lot of positive, desirable behaviors in those with avoidant attachment. They are often highly independent, fun, social, sexually uninhibited, and seemingly in control. This can be extremely attractive to potential mates who may desire or expect more from someone whose relationship style is “avoidant,” leading to potential heartbreak, anger, and confusion. But while they may desire physical intimacy, they may find emotional intimacy unappealing and undesirable.
COMBATING THOUGHTS AND BEHAVIORS AND WHAT THAT CAN DO
The first step to working through any issues or difficulties we have is to begin to understand what our thoughts and behaviors are, where they come from, how they’ve manifested, and how they’re showing up in our relationships. As stated in the blog Reframing – The importance of Language, while we cannot control our thoughts, we can control how we interact with them. Challenging these thoughts, using evidence to push back, and reframing them can help change our thoughts and the way we interact with them. Additionally, behaviors associated with these thoughts could greatly benefit from a form of “exposure therapy.” Pushing ourselves to allow people in, share parts of ourselves, and attempt to ask for help and/or rely on someone could begin to open us up to the possibility of trust and disprove some of our negative thought patterns.
Once we’re able to begin the healing process, change some of our thoughts and behaviors, and begin to open ourselves up, we can begin to feel the positive effect of emotional connection with others. This connection can have so many positive impacts on our lives, including increased self-esteem, a positive impact on parenting, greater self-awareness, better emotional regulation, improved communication skills, and deeper, more meaningful relationships. This can lead to greater success and joy in all different areas of life, from friendships to romantic relationships, to familial, even in the workplace. Finally, this can lead to a more fulfilling, satisfying life with less stress, negative thoughts, and anger, which has a positive impact on our physical, mental, and emotional health. This work is not simple, it is not easy, but it is in no way impossible. And we may find it substantially more manageable and possible with the right support.
HOW THERAPY CAN HELP
It can be hard to identify and understand our behaviors or patterns, to see from the outside, and to look at ourselves with empathy and honesty. Our therapist can gently and respectfully point out our patterns, behaviors, and unhelpful thought patterns, showing us how to challenge them and, hopefully, implement real, lasting change. Knowing that we need to combat and reframe our thoughts may be the first step, but without the understanding of how to do so, we may find the idea confusing, overwhelming, and even impossible. Our therapist is uniquely educated and experienced in pushing back on these thoughts and helping us develop language and understanding to combat them. Finally, our therapist can be a trusting support person with which to practice how to engage in emotionally healthy relationships, begin to trust, and develop a better understanding of ourselves. Starting with this relationship can lead to all sorts of possibilities for other, real-life relationships.
Warmly,
HELPFUL LINKS
Emerge Psychology Group
Attached - The Book
Attachment Project - Anxious Attachment: Causes & Symptoms
BBC - Why Attachment Theory is Everywhere Right Now and How it Can Help You
Clarity Clinic - How Attachment Styles Impact Your Relationships
Cleveland Clinic - Is Avoidant Attachment Style Getting in the Way of Your Relationships?
Medical News Today - What is avoidant attachment?
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - Call or text 988
Crisis Text Line - text HOME to 741741
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, always seek professional help immediately. Please call 911 or the suicide prevention lifeline at 988 or go to your nearest emergency room for immediate care.
DISCLAIMER
The content of these webpages and blogs and information provided is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Seek professional help immediately if you are experiencing a mental health crisis or any other medical condition.