Going No Contact
By Jasmin Portaz, M.A., LPC, ATR
June 15, 2026
When we should, why we would, and considering the alternatives.
Let’s face it, family can be frustrating. They know all the buttons to push, can bring out the worst in us, and have the ability to cause serious mental and emotional anguish, even without thinking. Often, we make allowances for family members that we never would with other people, all in the name of “blood.” Many people can admit that if we were not related to some of these family members, they would never choose to have a relationship with them or even associate with them. Recently, there has been an understanding of, and permission for, people choosing to no longer have any relationship or contact with people they deem as toxic, abusive, or even politically at odds with them. While this may be the right choice for some people in certain situations, the subject and subsequent action should be extensively thought through and viewed more as a last resort. When is going no contact the right choice? Unfortunately, the answer is not simply black or white, and there is no clear right or wrong decision. Each case needs to be carefully considered with an understanding of the long-term consequences and ripple effects.
REASONS FOR GOING NO CONTACT
I’m sure at one point or another (or perhaps many points), each of us has thought about how much easier and less stressful our lives would be without certain family members or relationships. While we may find it easier ending toxic friendships or romantic relationships, familial relationships are different. We have largely known these people our whole lives. Most of us have been taught that these are the people you can rely on, the people who love you unconditionally, the people you must respect, love, and care for. Unfortunately, we are often taught this not through actions, but through words. While respect should be earned, with family, it is customarily simply expected. But why should we respect someone who doesn’t treat us with respect? More importantly, why should we respect, honor, and love someone who has caused us great harm? Whether physical, sexual, emotional, financial, or mental, when great harm or abuse takes place, people don’t automatically deserve forgiveness simply because they’re related to us. Further, there is a great difference between apology and accountability (read more about this in the Apology vs Accountability blog post), and if family members are not willing to take accountability, which is the only way we can begin to have real repair, it may not be in one’s best emotional interest to continue the relationship in its current form.
In cases of physical or sexual abuse, cutting all ties with an abuser and/or those who have continued to enable, excuse, deny, or ignore the abuse is likely in our best interest. Situations such as these can have significant, detrimental impacts on our mental, emotional, and physical health. While physical abuse is often easier to explain, prove, or use as a reason, there may be other forms of harm or abuse in which ending communication might be the right choice. In situations where clear boundaries are continuously being violated, disrespected, or simply ignored, cutting ties may be the only way to emotionally protect oneself. It is important to note that if clear boundaries are not set, it becomes hard/impossible to enforce any perceived crossing of your “boundaries” (read more about this in the Boundaries blog), so it may be beneficial to unpack whether boundaries were ever defined before we cut someone off for crossing them. Finally, if we have a history of a relationship where we’ve never felt loved, with someone who has been emotionally unavailable, or we have always been expected to put our needs last, we might want to consider going no contact with that person. While there are many reasons we may find to cut ties with someone, doing so should never be considered lightly and should only be done as a last resort.
WHEN GOING NO CONTACT MIGHT NOT BE THE CLEAR CHOICE
There are many reasons most people continue to have relationships with family members, even after they feel harmed, even if they do not see eye-to-eye, and even if they find the relationship to be a source of stress or discomfort. Human beings are tribal creatures. We are meant to have a community around us to support us, love us, and help us in times of need. Loneliness can be detrimental to one’s mental health, and it is not always easy to make friends or find a partner. Our families are our original tribes. They’ve known us longer and often more intimately than most people in our lives. While this should not guarantee them an unconditional place in our lives, it is the reason we make allowances for them and continue relationships with them, even when they’ve caused us substantial pain.
However, when we cut ties with family members, we may cause ourselves and others significant harm and irreparable damage. There may be other family members who become collateral damage and lose out when relationships are terminated, especially innocent children. We might find it difficult to maintain a relationship with one parent when we’ve gone no contact with the other, or that parent may find the situation strenuous, leading to mental health issues for them. We might also find that although we feel freer in some ways, there is a great feeling of grief or guilt in the loss of this relationship. We may feel that a part of us has died, that we can never go back, or that even if we want a relationship with them in the future, it’s too late. Finally, we may find that through this separation we are alone, without supports, and without a clear understanding of how to navigate other relationships in our lives. These impacts can be significant, lasting, and may end up harming us more than the person we are removing from our lives.
ALTERNATIVES TO GOING NO CONTACT
While there may be instances where we feel we truly have no choice, such as cases of severe abuse, there may be other options for emotionally protecting ourselves from toxic or negative relationships. It does not have to be all or nothing. For starters, we can go low-contact with them, choosing to set and communicate clear boundaries, answer their calls or texts less, and be more selective about what information or parts of our lives we share. Many people find family therapy, even as adults, extremely useful and productive as it creates a safe space for grievances to be aired, provides feedback and tools given by a professional, and provides an opportunity to discuss subjects they may have felt unsafe to broach on our own. Finally, often those we are struggling with may not truly understand what you feel or why you feel the way you feel. It may be beneficial to either sit them down or write them a letter explaining where you are coming from and seeing if they are willing to make changes to save the relationship and truly repair. Talking doesn’t always work, but it’s a good place to start.
HOW THERAPY CAN HELP
Deciding to go no contact with someone in your life is a big decision that should not be taken lightly. If you believe this is the right choice for you, exploring the decision with your therapist is a good first step. If you’ve gone no contact prior to working with your therapist, you can unpack the reasons why and either begin to work on healing those wounds or attempt to discover a way to repair the relationship with them. Additionally, your therapist can help you safely examine your history and patterns in relationships, and create tools to help you become stronger, more confident, and more prepared for conflict in the future. It is not your therapist’s job to tell you if you should or should not go no contact with someone. Rather, they are there to explore with you, be an independent, trained, and experienced voice of reason, and support you during this complex struggle to help prioritize your health and wellbeing, while bringing a deep understanding of the intricacies of relationships. Not all families or family members can provide the support we need, and some may even be the cause of our stress; that’s why we have therapists.
Warmly,
HELPFUL LINKS
Emerge Psychology Group
Cleveland Clinic - Going No-Contact with a Parent or Family Member: What You Need to Know
New Yorker - Why So Many People Are Going “No Contact” with Their Parents
Psychology Today - #NoContact: An Unfortunate Trend
Simply Psychology - Going No Contact with Parents: What It Means, Why People Do It, And How to Cope
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - Call or text 988
Crisis Text Line - text HOME to 741741
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, always seek professional help immediately. Please call 911 or the suicide prevention lifeline at 988 or go to your nearest emergency room for immediate care.
DISCLAIMER
The content of these webpages and blogs and information provided is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Seek professional help immediately if you are experiencing a mental health crisis or any other medical condition.